I’m depressed, tired, sad, jealous, and plain not feeling well.

No one, not the doctors or other cancer survivors tell you how hard the road to recovery is.  I don’t know what I would do without my support group.  I feel like “they” are the only ones who understand me as they are going through this themselves. 

I’m so tired of hearing if you have to get cancer Thyroid Cancer is the one to get, because of the cure rate.  Ok, that makes me feel better, NOT! I don’t want any kind of cancer. Now that the door is open to cancer I worry about what kind of cancer will it be next time.  

So my whole body scan showed no cancer after the treatment. That is wonderful news and I’m so happy to hear it considering I had lived with this for years and years without knowing it.   But I feel as if I’m just existing, not living.  I’m so tired it’s unreal.  I hurt ALL the time. Every movement is pure torture for me.  People hear oh, so the cancer is gone, so that means she’s all better. Umm…no…not even close. I feel worse now then I did before I knew about the cancer. 

I look at people who had Thyroid cancer and are active and doing things and it makes me jealous. Why can’t I be like that. Why can’t I just go do things and be done with it. Why can’t I stop being cold, stop with the brain fog, stop hurting. The list goes on and on.

Though I wonder, did they go through this cycle too and just don’t remember how bad it really was.   Sort of like a woman gives birth and while you know it was hard, you don’t remember exactly how hard it was.  Is it like that? Or, are the people in my support group and myself just a small number of people who never get their lives back again?

Is this going to be how I’m gonna feel for the rest of my life? Just merely existing?

Why can’t people understand that I still need help? I put my pride in check and asked and I’m still not getting much.  Sure, I am thankful for what help I am getting. But I need a lot of help right now. 

I’m sitting here crying as I type this. How silly is that?  I just wanna feel better. I want to go shopping with my daughter and not be exhausted for several days afterwards.  I want to go to the movies with my kids and  not feel worn out afterwards.

Why can’t I just feel “normal” again. I’ve already lost so much energy to Fibromyalgia, what energy I had left is gone and it’s not fair damnit!

I hate going out in public for two reasons. One, I get tired far to quick and can’t really handle shopping right now.

Two, I’m scared I’m gonna “catch” something. I’m already feeling so lousy, I just don’t even want to know how much worse it could get.

So this brings me to Sarah. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she’s got walking pneumonia.  Ok, that sucks, but you usually don’t “catch” that. I can’ handle this. 

Well, the fever and the hives went away with in 24 hours of being on antibiotics and  in it’s place a persistent cough has surfaced.  As the days have gone by it’s gotten worse. Which brings me to last night. By around 7pm last night the coughing started and didn’t even begin to let down until around 2 in the morning. I held her the entire time while she cried and coughed.  I felt horrible for her. It’s hard enough for an adult to handle coughing fits, but to only be 22 months old is just cruel.

In between all her coughing Sophie started to cough. Not as bad, but bad enough it kept her up until about 1 in the morning before she finally was able to get some sleep.  Sarah on the other hand only got about 30 minutes sleep here and there in between coughing spells.

I called the doctor in hopes he would prescribe something for her, as what I was doing was simply NOT working.  I tried a couple of different cough syrups throughout the long night and nothing helped.

Took her into the bathroom for some steam. Nope, that didn’t help at all either. But we both got a nice sweat out of it. LOL. Anyway…he said she was to young for anything prescribed, but to give her some Robitussin.  Went out and bought some of that.  It does appear to be working some.  She’s still coughing and having some pretty bad coughing attacks, but knock on wood it’s so much better. 

Needless to say, I was exhausted from taking care of such a sick little girl and toting her 30lbs around, that by the time Liz got home from school today I had to take a nap.  I took a 3 hour nap and woke up coughing, sneezing and with the sniffles.  Sighs…seriously could I please catch a break here?

I’m sorry for being such a downer tonight, but it’s how I feel.  I do have lots of blogs running through my head about Thanksgiving and black friday shopping. I really hope to get them out but at this point it’s not looking good. LOL

So, I leave ya’ll with this..do something kind for a friend, family member, or stranger.  It might be the one thing that they really need or to make their day.

Posted in Family
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